Nostalgia, Disappointment, and Maybe Some Hope: Reflections on the Past and Present

Nostalgia: "a sad feeling mixed with pleasure when you think of happy times in the past" (Oxford Advanced Learner's Dictionary)

As I grow older, nostalgia is a feeling I find myself facing more often in my every day life. The feeling stems from various sources: graduating from college, getting my first full-time job. etc., but mainly I find it as I watch my little sister grow up.

My siblings and I have significant age gaps, my older brother and I being the closest in age with a 6 year age difference, but the age gap with my younger sister is 17 years. Being old enough to be your sibling's parent and going into adulthood while your sibling is at the beginning of their childhood is a peculiar experience. As I watch her grow up, although there are some things I am jealous of that I never got as a child, seeing her experience a very different childhood to mine sometimes makes me sad. Throughout the years, my family has become very splintered. Growing up, I had a very large family. My childhood photos are filled with my aunts, uncles, grandparents, cousins, and family friends as we celebrate holidays or family trips, but my sister's photos seem very empty. It's not that they are without less love or care, but the family that we have left in our lives is not present in our photos anymore. Growing up I had a lot of cousins who were around my age, and memories of playing with them and our friendships are very fond memories for me, but my sister has no cousins around her age. And many of the uncles and aunts that I had very close relationships with aren't in my life anymore, and my sister has little to no memory of these people while I have dozens. It's bizarre to have such distinctly different childhood experiences amongst siblings, and I often feel a sense of loneliness for my sister. Although, I am glad that some of my family members aren't a part of my life any more, it makes me sad that my sister won't have the memories of a large extended family like my older brother and I had.

Although the reason why some family members aren't a part of my life anymore is due to death, the majority of it is due to family disagreements, especially related to politics. The rise of the alt-right, MAGA, and Trump has truly brought out the worse of our friends, families, and neighbors.

My friend texted me the other night saying this:

Did any of your family vote for trump

2/3 of my grandparents did

And I have an aunt and cousins that did too

My intrusive thoughts have been having a party ever since I found out my grandma who's been liberal since very recently I guess voted for him

Do I 1. cut contact and let them know they lost me

Or 2. keep minimal contact as i have been and collect birthday/christmas money and donate it in ways they'd hate

I recommended option #2.

Despite the somewhat joking tone my friend had in our messages, I am truly disappointed in much of my country right now. Though, the other weekend, I attended the Hands Off! rally in Seattle. It was truly impressive how many people showed up for that event in Seattle and around the country, especially in red states. It gives me some hope, but while attending the rally, I just kept remembering how in November of 2016, when I was 16 years old, my classmates and I walked out of our high school and joined the march in my hometown against Trump "winning" the election. I posted a story on Instagram of two photos recently, one from the march in 2016 and the other from the rally this year with the caption "same shit, different year".

With the current political climate, I am often remembering key moments in political history throughout my childhood. I have vivid memories of Barack Obama being elected, not once but twice, and the joy around that time. There's a lot about about Obama that I don't like or agree with, but I remember the emotions around the election of our first Black president. At least in the communities I was in, which was very white mind you, there was a feeling of maybe we're on a path to greater things in our country. But when Trump starting running for election, I started seeing and feeling the hatred within our country emerge, and I remember the stress and dread of when he was elected and the final days of Obama's presidency. But then the relief, when Trump wasn't reelected again. Although Joe Biden wasn't my ideal candidate, at least he wasn't Trump. But now we're back to the stress and dread, wondering what may happen next.

Sometimes I wish I could rewind the clock to a less politically stressful year, but I am hoping that this is the final straw that enacts some long-lasting, positive change. I am trying to remain optimistic, which proves to be a hard task every day. But I am trying to remain hopeful for a better future for my younger sister, but also for myself.